Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Let it be.
Easy said than done.

I really need to learn to relax and learn to let go.
There are things that I can't control and things that I can't get.
I know, god has its arrangement for me. No use insisting.
Now, I shall try my best in this exam, and leave the outcome to god.

I wish, I can be more calm and stable.

Friday, December 03, 2010

A new chapter?

I used to love writing posts. Writing craps, nonsense and sentimental stuff.

Nevertheless, as I grow, I start being busy achieving things that I want or things that I think I should do. I started to tie myself up with obligations, achievements, and plans.

Then, I started to neglect writings. One caveat though, I love writing in mandarin. I find mandarin words to be more expressive and subtle than English words. For an example, the word 'yuan' signifies a lot. It doesn't necessarily means only love, or fate. This word alone covers a broad meaning. In its simplest sense, I translate 'yuan' as a word that signifies that it is not easy for us to be able to meet the people in our life, be it our lover, parents, family, friends, or even strangers. There is this string that brings all of us together, and this is 'yuan'. Yet, I can never find such synonym in English.

Perhaps it's because of my limited vocabulary, or my bias , or even, my ignorance. Yet, I still find mandarin to be a better medium to convey our feelings. There are so many words that can't be replaced in English. For example, when I think of the word 'love' in mandarin, I will be reminded of 'sacrifice', 'tolerance' and 'faithfulness'. Yet, for the same 'love' in English, I will equate it to 'passion', 'lust' and 'summer love'. It's different for me. Hence, the word 'I love you' will never be the same as '我爱你'. Well, enough with the crap, but I do realized that there are so many mandarin words which carries deep meaning and yet I can't find the same replacement in English. hmmm.. time to brush up my English I suppose. Or perhaps, I usually read only erotic novels in English, and yet, I read love story in Mandarin? haha. I have no idea.

Anyway, this is just one of those many posts that I'll come up with. Apparently, I need to brush up my writing skill for IELTS, and I find this to be the most convenient avenue for me =)
To my friends in Malaysia, I miss you. =)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Love-Box condom! =)

for those who are interested, my dad is currently clearing the stock. So if you want to buy it in a set, you can get it at about RM5-7/box(by buying a minimun of 8 boxes ie a set. hehe) =) o yeah, and he is finding a distributor for this too ! Price is negotiable =)
email me at slyrene@hotmail.com if you're interested ! =)

So, someone decided to elope with the money and gave my dad a hard time.
well, probably god wants me to treat it as a challenge , I wouldnt know.
Anyway, thanks to them, I am now having a very lovely collection of Lovebox condom!! hahah

This is the set I like the most! Its the ultra thin version. 3pcs per tin. But hey! Its not about the content I am concerned with! I like the box!!!hahahh
Heard that this one should be the best. because it is dotted. I think the function is similar to a vibrator. Anyway, it's best for those who are adventurous and those who enjoy extra sensation! haha

This is another one that I kinda like~! Nyway, I dont really use the content. So I use the box to put all my stuff. including my monthly stuff!It look so adorable that nobody will know what's inside!! Aint that super cool!!! =) haha

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

child education

'It is easier to educate a child than to teach an impaired adult'
This is a statement given by one my of my cousins.
She has 4 kids altogether. 2 of them are special kids. I am not saying they are disabled, but they are different from the other kids. They are slower in learning, however, they are very gifted in arts. Yet, Malaysia doesnt has an education system that can support kids like them.
Thus,my cousin chose to home-school them. It is a hard road but I can see it is paying well now.

She is a tough lady. She is very optimistic too.
At the same time, she really trigger me to reconsider about our country's education system. I am an outcast , a freak or even a weirdo in Msia education system. I dont enjoy following the rules albeit I was rather excellent in that system. I have been wondering what is the best education system. Is it the liberal system in USA? or the rigid system in Spore?
I realised the real answer is, the life education. This is the system that I have been living for 21 years. Albeit it is hard, but it is paying well now.
Now, why am I thinking about this? I know this is too early for me, but yes! I am thinking about my babies. Regardless of me having a partner or not, I definitely want the best education for my babies. If Msia system doesnt works, and worse come to worst, I am to be in Msia for good, mayb I can let my baby home-school too? Maybe this is the best solution for them? I wouldn't know. Yet, this is a good alternative worth considering.

I am amazed with my cousin.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Papa

To commemorate the year of me entering into adulthood, I'll be writing few posts to express my gratitude towards people and things around me. SO , lets start =)

For those who are really close to me, they will know how important my dad stands in my life. Today, I am going to write things that I hate and love about him =)

10 things I hate about my dad:
1. Always throws cold water at me whenever I tell him about my plans and dreams! as in ALWAYS! (ie never fail to do so) and later , always help me silently/indirectly.
2. Always put the egoistice "helo, I can handle everythin!" kind of attitude at me. even wen he dun hv any plan in mind actually.
3. Always choose to keep all the probs to himself and suffer in silent.as if , I m not his family member jer!
4. Always treat me like a small kid. as in "what would you know? ure too young for this!"and said I am v stupid.Paling best,he will said" u always tink ure d smartest but look at what u've done! you're worse than anyone else!" But afta tat, kept braggin to his frens how proud he is to have me(uncleS told me.lol)
5. Did not let me know where the graveyard of my dog,Lassie, jst because he dunwan me to be sad.I knw its been years, but I really2 wana know=(
5. Feed the parasites(you-know-who-you
-are) and told me to stay away whenever I advice him to let them grow up. and KEEP feeding even when he is not in good condition himself. sigh.
6. Always scold me for teachin sis "wrong" ideas. Just bcx he dunwan me to worry too much about family.
7. Nvr fail to make me cry, even just to describe him in details to others.
8. Always tried to pull me down and afraid of me growing up and NEVER LET ME GO.because he tot I wont be his baby girl anymore. totally NOT true!! sumore , nvr attend my award ceremony.
9. Made me jeopardize my future and plans because of him being secretive and protective. (ok, I cant blame all on him, but I still wana blame abit :P)
10. For everything that I hate him, it jst make me love him more and more reluctant to leave him =(

12 things I love about my dad:
1. Always let me chase my dream,and never really interfere my decision even when it's in the expense of his happiness/reluctancy ...
2. Nvr fail to make me feel secure .and always strive hard to support this nottti daughter.
3. Frown and feel sad whenever I tell him my sad stories. I can feel him aching=( that is why I dont cry infront of him. But for the times when I was realy sad(was v young),he will hug me to sleep.
4. Always listen to me even when I am throwing tantrum, and just keep quiet after that altho sometimes its unfair accusation from me =( In fact, he always ask and listen about my life every nights, even when it is v late and he is v tired.
5. Nvr fail to remember my friends' names and the details in my life.
6. Uses action to show his love , not words nor empty promises. never break promise nor lie. and improve on things that I nag about. lol .not all. bt at least he tried=) n tats enuff for me.
7. Whenever I scr*w up my life or anythin, he will fix it for me, even when it may made him scr*w himself up.
8. Never want me to worry about anything. For everythin bad, he will be there. For everything that is good, he will make sure I'l be thr to enjoy it together.
9. Ask me " what can I do to be a better dad for you? I am learning myself" even when he is already 50++. even when I was really rebellious,and I waas practically scolding, and I was blaming him. OR I was leaving without his blessing. ( I pratically done everything b4 I inform him what I was going to do )
10. ego with mama but always do everything mama asks and buy everythin mama wants and even fret/blank wenever mama's sick. lol. yet, nvr holds mama's hand in public. lol. For being responsible for her and carry the whole family's burden since the age of 23 and nvr grumble a word. nt even a single sigh=(
11. For being there in every parts of my life. For up and down, for happiness and sad, for health and sick and for the best of me. For being selfless, and accomodative. For all the sacrifices he made for me.
12. Uses his love to tie this rebellious daughter down.

For everthing. He is not a perfect dad. He made mistakes. But, he is the best dad for me. He has done the best for me and I have yet to do the best for him. I really cant wait to make him to be proud of me. For everything I do and for everything I have,Its' really because of him .

If ever there's an utmost desire in me, that would be for me to be successful in every aspects of life and be happy.not because of me but because I know, the only way to make him really happy is when he sees us being happy and living good life. I hope the day will come before its too late.

For everything he has done for me, I have yet to have the courage to even hug him. Which is an irony.I did say "I love you" but that also after Ive mustered all the guts in me. sigh. so irony.
Thus, to add into my new year resolution: To hug him and kiss him on cheek on the day I leave.
Girls, pls keep me still with my plan! I'll braved myself for tat!!

21

2010 marks the year of me entering into my adulthood. So, to celebrate such great year, I am gonna have my list of resolution @ dream list:P

20-30:
1. Bungee jump!
2. Sky diving!
3. Get a house ( by 24!)
4. Advocate for people's BASIC welfare(If ever I get to stay in legal field.lol)
5. Write a book. hehe
6. Do charity/volunteer =) ( I am thinking of HIV org or Pink Ribbon)
7. Work in various countries (that's a total dream comes true! )
8. Be one of the most eligible bachelorette? *chuckles*
9. Buy a bussiness (does bakery shop rings any bell here? hehe)
9. Kiss a Lesbian( I know its weird. lol)
10. Kiss a gay and turn him straight! (that would be soooo cool! haha)

30-40:
1. Adopt a 3rd world orphan( Msia is included in this list.should I be glad? or sad?lol)
2. Set up a trust fund for my babies.
3. Be a Charity org.'s ambassador=)
4. Reach my financial independance by 39(Better start planning now for this to happen!!lol)
5. Be happily gay/joyful and content with life~! =)
6. Take good care of my parents =)

Somehow, I dont know what else to add. Wana do something crazy. But Ive just realised, I am quite serious. opppss~! well, will add more from times to times :P
Ppl, keep me stick to my plan! haha . and gv me ideas ppl~! haha

Saturday, May 23, 2009

JPA

Another round of JPA scholarship. Probably the 2nd round after mine. Gosh ,that made me feel damn old. haha .

There's a 17A's kid that got denied for the oversea scholarship, instead, he was offered the local scholarship. I totally understand how unfair he felt. Afterall, I was once a victim ( due to my own foolishness. lol. o shall I be grateful now?)But, this also showed the typical msia attitude we have.( that we deserve everythin in the world, jst bcx of us bein "sumthin" o "sumone") Looking at it, I do hv few words to pen down regarding this system, which I am of the view that it is the government created their own shit instead of us.

Lets start with Msia education system. Government been stating that this scholarship is of very competitive nature as there are many high scorers in our country . thus, it is reasonable that many of these would not be able to make into the circle. However, is that true that we do have that many genius in this country ? If only the government did not lower the passing grade rate, I m sure at least half of these high scorers would not make into the circle of A-string's . This may be cruel, but it is necessary, as the advantages would definitely outweigh the disadvantages. As for one, the real deserving one would get the scholarship as opposed to those who merely scrap through their grade for A's. Besides that, most of our students wont be so arrogant about their results . Look at the students nowaday, try and have a talk with them, especially those who think they are brilliant, and you'll understand what I am trying to say . Thus, if only the initial education system was fair, there would not be much problem on the scholarship.

2nd, in regards to the selection. It was stated that 20% of the scholarship is dependable on students' co-curricular. I myself, am definitely one that will feel unfair although i have various posts in school, which make me to be able to score quite high in it. Reason as to this, is because,it is hard to judge the co-curricular. Does it able to judge my attitude as well? definitely no. Besides, what about my working experiences? how are they to judge it? there are also alot of those idle president, yet they got the same marks as me. Gosh!

I find the co-curricular system to be quite redundant. jst imagine for one to get the medicine schoalrship, he is to be a national state badminton,or swimmer. I , for one, find no relevancy of such with his profession. For certain course, however, a co-curricular achievement would be great, for an example, on management, which falls mainly on your leadership and managaement skill. Nevertheless, as most of the courses offered are for the professionals, which emphasize more on academic, i find it interesting that the governement are jst making their life harder and creating more complains for themselves(co-curricular and academic together is a very subjective issue) Of course, if the students are aiming for US uni, that would be a different story. But, I believe in the equal effort theory.This I shall cover in the next few paragraphs.

3rd,For the government to award the scholarship straight after SPM is quite a big risk to the government and tax-payer money. As the chinese saying goes, one being good at the beginning does not signifies the success in the future. If the students are brilliant, they should learn to score the desired uni on their own efforts. There are students who fall back once they got the scholarship. Although they did not obtain high score for their pre-uni, but they are still able to secure the scholarship. This is absolutely unfair.

By right, the government should put up a conditional offer instead of a firm one. Alternatively, they should award the scholarship only after pre-uni. Afterall, pre-uni course are available everywhere in Msia.

4thly, the system on sponsorship instead of scholarship. It is very important for the government to emphasize that students are to return and contribute to the country moment they graduate. If government is to make our country the education hub, it is even more important to ensure these scorer's return. As told by my friend, the job placement and scholarship were handled by 2 different agency.As such , it is predictable that there would be no coherence between the courses sponsored and job available. This is definitely a waste of our taxpayers money . Definitely, scholars deserve the sponsorship, but not the scholarship. All of us worked hard to pay our study . If you are brilliant, you probably will shine in your academic field, but that doesnt mean its should be a tool for you to earn money. There are so many brilliant scorers out there as well, jst because they have the money , they cant score the scholarship. Why would this be so ? Jst because their rich ? but , think propoerly,isnt those money are hard-earned money too? what justify a poor student to get free money to study when anader average student who is real hardworkin in making ends meet should not get the scholarship? jst because he is hardworkin? In a sense, this is just encouraging people to stop working and hope for the money to drop from sky( which is what happening now) Thus, it is definitely fair to bond a student in this sense. If you are poor, you can still find a way to fund yourself, at least local. Else, you get the sposorship, you just work it off in the future and contribute to the one who sponsor u(ie Us, the taxpayers) BE grateful! n not kacang lupakan kulit. no matter what, you shouldnt get free lunch, merely because you are smart. Even rich or middle class student also earn their money in their own way, they dun just sit and wait.

Besides, our country wants to make the uni here as education hub. As such , I totally find no relevance in them not making sure these scholars to return .If they want to pursue their postgraduate, let it be, but this doesnt justify them to break the bond. you probably could delay , but not letting it go just like that. it may be good that they are self-motivated. but this is not beneficial to the nation(which definitely weigh more than just one individual who is not patriotic) .their returns is essential to ensure the education in Msia to be better , instead of kept falling back bcx of us losing these scholars. Thus, because of the inconsistencies and loose condition on ensuring their return , most of the students aim for this free lunch, which lead to all these mess. If only the system on makin sure their contribution back to country is efficient, I m definite that this would definitely turns lotsa scorers away from applying this. Although this may be cruel, but it is essential to educate ppl, esp students(whose mind still unpolluted) that there is no free lunch in this world, while ensuring a good payback on our tax. Afterall, giving them these money is by forgoing opportunity cost such as improving country health,transport or even economic system!! Dun u knw all these money cn be put in better use? for ppl who is even in worse condition? like poor elder people who cannot afford medical cost, or for inspiring entreprenaurs to get some fund to start their business? Thus, lookin at all these opportunity cost the governemnet forego by puttin in into these scorers. it is definitely justiciable to drag them back to contribute to the country regardless of any reason they gave.

Last but not least, I really find it a total bullshit that these students kept telling nonsense that they deserved a scholarship. Honestly, jst bcx ure hardworking, that doesnt mean u deserve anything. The life is unfair, face it. In fact, you should be grateful that at least your hardwork pays. If hardworks is justiciable for something you think you deserve, then I believe all the janitors should be millionaire now, or even get the scholarship, as compared to nerds/geeks who does nothin other than hiding in books, or even alot of students who worked so hard but couldnt get the desired result bcx of some twist in fate.Now, you may think I have no right to throw all these your face, but let me tell you this, I was once a scholar like you . and I chose the hard route, because I learnt more. I chose not the scholarship, not because I m rich , but because I dun plan to contribute nor comin bak to this country. Thus, I play it the fair way. I dun take those hard-earned taxpayer money for my self pleasure , without contributing back .

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Family

I love my family.Eventho I always scold dem (esp mom) nag them till sometimes I ignore them .
I knw , tis is a weird way of loving ppl . its jst ''ai zhi shen , ze zhi jie''

I m now learnin to let go tho... haha

I still rmb , Celeste told me b4 tat judging from my rationale, most of d times i based my decision by puttin dad as main consideration . Its true.

Dad plays an important role in my life. No one can ever replace him . Mayb afta d blow, I learnt to gv up d tough role I always have..thus, wenever i tok bout him now i tend to hv tears in my eyes. so dumb dumb ! haha .

M leavin in jst a yr n anader 3 mths. counting down , n m loving it .. I guess, I m nt tat filial afta all. I m scared , definitely . homely . xtremely homely . yet, i need to learn . I need to grow up..I , dun wana b like my bro . stress on tat alot! haha.

I knw , I m sensitive n possesive. wateva belongs to me , belongs to me . includin ppl . its good n bad . So,I always make sure no one bully d one i treasure.. bt wt if its her/his choice?

Sometimes, love can b stressful to ur loved ones.

So ,today , I told bro bout takin mom to doc n avthin . I decided nt to care. dad n mom were shocked. I knw. example, dad was tokin bout askin bro dey all join us today . Usually,I'll complain alot. but today , I jst kept quiet n let him go on . I teased dad bout takin car without permission . Dad was harsh . He jst said he cn tk wateva mine at anytime bcx it belongs to d hse. Its true. So , I dun argued. I jst wana move on . Its sad to hear tat bt I tink its good bcx it gv me a chance to live my own life. Afta al, I m nt tat important in d family I guess.

Bro slightly complaint bout me . I was tellin him to take care of babies well n save money for deir edu . Sumhow rather, he jst mentioned d 100k . I tink he really cared.n little bit jealous . I hv a feelin we r gonna fight bcx of d will n takin care of parents in d future. Bro is still dreamy n kept wishin tat we hv properties o tat money can drop from sky to him . I wish it is for him too . But even if he did , he stil wont b rich . unless he change his financial attitude.

But ,Ive chosen nt to care. Bcx I knw, I m in no good position to judge any1 nymore. I kinda love tis new me. D one hu knw wat life is . Its depressin , suicidal . Yet,once I gt thru tis, I knw avthin gonna b orite:)

Mum was sad. She felt guilty over nt informin o askin my permission bout d car. But come on lar~!Ive knw mum throughout my life. She jst wana appears to b nice to avone, even wen it hurts her. she is nice. But I dun wana make myself unhappy anymore. I need my life. Not tat i chose nt to love her anymore. Its jst,she needs to learn .

So , wen I told bro bout her doc appointment, bro was like''I always bring her wurt.. I m always d one'' . Mum , kept quiet. I gues, bcx she was wounded by dose words. by sayin those,tat jst showed how unwilling bro is with taking care of her. n how I m goin to gv up helpin her. She actually thanked me wen we reached home . thanked me forr bein thr for her al d time . Sorry tho , no matter how pitiful she made herself, o how grateful she showed, I jst need to learn to let go of her oso . We both need to learn . I jst hope, bro sumday will realised how much he made mum suffer..

Rite now, I jst need to let go of my family, n let go of myself at d same time . Wen d time comes, I'll jst start avthin all over again .

I love dem ,but if my love hv done more damage den good, its better to let go .

M learning, to love myself oso .